By
“The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you,
but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.”
- Neale Donald Walsch
One of the most important lessons that I learned in life is that relationships can be repaired. Not just patched, but completely, fully repaired – they can even be improved beyond their original state. No matter what problem you are facing, or how hopeless you feel, your relationship can flourish once again.
When my marriage was falling to pieces, I searched everywhere for an answer. I talked with anyone who would listen and read every relationship book I could get my hands on. Luckily, I found an answer. I want to share that answer with you.
A Personal Story
I came into marriage madly in love. We had no problems – Not a single fight. I honestly could not imagine anything ever going wrong between us. We were the perfect match.
Fast forward four years, and there we were sitting at the therapist’s office, I hadn’t eaten or slept in days, and I had had nonstop panic attacks for a week. My perfect marriage was killing me. I was ready to sign divorce papers if only to regain a minimal sense of control over my life.
What happened??
A week before our first visit to a marriage counselor, my husband said that he wanted to talk. “I am a little busy now, could we talk, say, tomorrow night?” I asked. It hadn’t even occurred to me that it might be anything serious.
When we finally sat down to talk several days later, I didn’t stay seated for long.
“Do you still love me?” I asked when I realized that the situation was grave.
“I don’t know,” replied my husband after a long pause.
I cried. I screamed. I pleaded. I tried everything I could think of. But, after about 2 weeks, I realized that our marriage had been in trouble well before this dreadful night. The truth is that our relationship had been on a downward trajectory for several years. Very gradually, we had become less and less interested in each other, and less excited to spend time together.
By the time my husband brought our problems to light, they were already very serious. We had completely lost interest in one another. We each preferred to spend time with our friends than with each other. The spark, which was once a raging fire, was gone. The only difference between me and my husband was that he came out of denial sooner than I did. I kept telling myself that what was happening was normal, that the honeymoon feeling doesn’t last forever.
What caused the downwards spiral in our relationship? After much study, I found our that we were going through a process that most couples experience. Romantics call it “two become one.” Family therapists call it “emotional fusion.” It boils down to a loss of individuality and an over dependence on one another, which invariably hurts both parties involved, and eventually causes a loss of interest and excitement. In short, the relationship dies, regardless of whether the partners technically stay together.
Luckily, David and I found out what the problem was, and repaired our relationship. We are now happier than we have ever been. Our marriage is now better than our honeymoon.
No matter where you are now in your relationship, you can repair it.
Differentiation: when two become two
When two people get together they spend some time “becoming one”. They focus on their similarities. They feel as if they have found their other half. Two become one. This is a healthy start for a relationship. Indeed, it is absolutely necessary – otherwise, people usually separate very quickly. However, this becomes unhealthy when it goes on for too long.
As a relationship progresses, a different approach becomes necessary. Two need to become two again. This process is called “differentiation.”
Differentiation is the process of detaching from your partner; not completely, but enough to live a full, meaningful life. You don’t agree on everything. You don’t have all the same hobbies and interests. You don’t always want to do the same thing. The challenge is to admit to this simple reality, and regain your self-integrity. Your relationship will then enrich your life, and that of your partner, instead of stifling and limiting both of you.
Unfortunately, this contradicts what popular culture teaches us about relationships, and so, naturally, most couples don’t realize the importance of differentiation. They desperately hold onto that feeling of oneness. But, no two people are the same. Each of us has our own needs and desires and, if we are being honest with ourselves and with our partners, many of those needs and desires are not going to coincide. Being “one” eventually hurts both partners. Serious problems in relationships arise when we deny our individuality for too long.
Advantages of differentiation
Differentiation brings your relationship, and your life as a whole, to a new level of satisfaction. Here are just three key advantages of this process.
1. Your life as a whole will improve
The first, and most important thing about differentiation is that it improves your own life. When you realize your own need for individuality and autonomy, many things begin to change. You devote more of your time to things you enjoy. You spend your money in ways that enrich your life. You express your views even when they differ from your partner’s, and your relationship starts to reflect your needs and desires.
It is amazing how much we give up for those we love, regardless of whether it’s necessary or even a good idea to do so. People stop having friends, give up hobbies, even work at jobs they hate for their family. Differentiation gives you space to be you, and this is an inherently enjoyable, albeit not easy, process.
Differentiation promotes self-development. Too many people put a stop to their self-development once they get married or find a long-term partner. They feel obligated to give every moment of every day to their partner or their family. And so here ends all hopes for personal growth. “There simply isn’t enough time,” they might say. But when you differentiate yourself from your partner, begin to once again feel your autonomy and get in touch with your desires, your need for self-development quickly resurfaces. When you are no longer one with your partner, you will find the resources to devote to your own self-development.
2. Your partner will be more interested in you
Surely you have heard of women who “play hard to get.” You’ve probably also heard that guys who “play it cool” are more successful with women. While I can’t say that I support such tactics, there is a reason why they are so pervasive. Nobody wants to be with someone who is desperate. We are all attracted to confident people who know who they are and what they want. None of this changes when you enter a relationship. Even married people still prefer a confident, relaxed partner. It’s just human nature.
Differentiation gets you there without any kind of “playing.” By knowing who you are, and putting yourself first, you automatically relax and stop appearing desperate. Having your own life, your own desires, and your own interests, makes you genuinely more attractive to your partner.
3. You will be more interested in your partner
When you refocus on yourself, and start enjoying your life more, you create room to want, instead of need, your partner. Happier people have more capacity for love, and by focusing on yourself you quickly become a lot happier. In addition, when you stop sacrificing everything for your partner, resentment disappears. It creates room for real excitement, for real affection, and deep love.
How to achieve differentiation
1. Put yourself first.
You come first. Your partner comes second.
This attitude will benefit both of you. Your partner doesn’t live inside your head, nor do you in theirs. The only person who really knows who you are is you. If you take care of yourself, and they take care of themselves, you will both be better off. Taking care of each other, and building a relationship on the foundation of self-sacrifice simply does not work in practice. Self-integrity is a lot more practical.
2. Get in touch with your desires
If you have been fused (the opposite of differentiated) with your partner for too long, you may need to actively get in touch with your own desires. When David and I ran into difficulties, I had been out of touch with my own desires for so long that it took me some time to figure out who I am.
Put time aside to figure out what you want in your life, irrespective of anyone else. It may help to write some ideas. If you find yourself thinking “I want my partner to be nice to me,” or “I want a better partner,” simply refocus on yourself. This exercise isn’t about anyone else. It’s about you and your life as an individual. Think about professional goals, hobbies your would like to pursue, things you would like to do in your spare time – anything that’s about you, and you alone. Find within yourself a part that wants to live and enjoy, and ask it what it wants.
3. Reclaim your time
Who’s life is it anyway? It’s your life. Too many of us who are married live as if our life belongs to someone else. And what are the building blocks of life? Not other people, no. It’s seconds, minutes, hours. It’s time.
So reclaim your time. It is all yours. Whatever time you choose to give to others you do voluntarily. You don’t have to do anything.
But, what do you want to do? I am sure that there is a lot that you want. Go after it. Go after what you want. Be it belly dancing, a course to progress your career, picking up writing, learning to play the guitar, going for a trip around the world, or just having a relaxing bath… Go ahead, do what it is that you have always wanted to do – not for anybody else, but for yourself.
4. Reclaim your money
I can feel myself standing against most of society, but hear me out: Your money is yours. Not your partners. Just yours. You don’t owe it to anyone. The reason that this is so important is because most of us spend a lot of time and energy earning a living. By giving someone your money, you give them your time and energy. Instead of giving it away, you have the right to use it for yourself. I bet you could afford all kinds of stuff if you had only yourself to worry about.
Of course, some amount of sharing is inevitable in a family. If you have children, you need to pay your part. My husband and I share all household and childcare financial responsibilities. But whatever I have left over is mine – just mine. I can choose to save. I can choose to give it away. I can choose to get an overpriced hairstyle. The point is that it is my choice.
I realize that this doesn’t necessarily apply to all families. For those where one partner stays home and watches the children, perhaps splitting the money in half as it comes in, and placing it into two separate accounts would work.
5. Reclaim your opinion
By the time my marriage was in trouble, I didn’t even know what my opinions were anymore. It took me some time to even realize what I think about different issues. Whatever the issue may be, you have the right to your own opinion. Take time to figure out your own point of view. If you are being honest with yourself, you wouldn’t agree with your partner on everything. Differences in opinion are completely normal and healthy.
The next step is to learn how to communicate well and honestly.
6. Learn to communicate honestly
So you figured out how you feel. And, as it turns out, it isn’t all rosy. You might be afraid to express your views to your partner because of how they may react. Say it anyway. This was so hard for me to do. But, to my great surprise, the world doesn’t end when I say something that David might not like. Usually, he doesn’t even mind as much as I expected. But, even when he does, we work on figuring out a solution instead of sweeping it under the rug. You can also check out some more advice on communicating effectively and honestly.
7. Stand on your own two feet
Don’t lean on your partner. I know that popular media makes leaning on each other sound romantic, but it doesn’t work. Leaning on each other only makes both partners fall over, and leads to resentment.
You have the strength within yourself to carry yourself. You do. It can take time and courage to find that strength, but it is there. When you learn how to stand on your own feet, you will become irresistibly attractive to your partner, just like you were when you first met.
Independence is both an emotional and physical thing. When you are upset, practice self-soothing. Don’t immediately run to your partner and seek comfort from them. Do something that makes you feel better. Take a bath. Have herbal tea. Write in a journal. Do whatever it is that you would do to make yourself feel better had you been single. Of course, sharing your feelings with your partner is great, just don’t expect them to fix anything or sooth you.
If you are relying on your spouse financially, see if you can change that. This might not be an option if you are a stay at home parent to small children. However, in other situations financial independence can greatly help to repair a relationship. The less you need your partner, the freer you are to want them.
8. Support your partner’s differentiation
Finally, allow your partner to differentiate. Even though it might feel nice to have them at your beck and call, you will feel a lot more in love if they have their own life, too. Maybe your partner is already differentiating. If so, let them be. Let them go out. Let them pursue their interests. Let them find out who they are.
In some cases, some amount of negotiation my be necessary. My husband and I have a small child, so if one of us is spending time away from home, or spending time alone at home, the other partner needs to look after the child by themselves. If you have children, you will have to balance your own needs for freedom and autonomy with that of your partner. But, having a partner or a family shouldn’t prevent either of you from having a full life.
***
So there it is. It’s not a quick, easy fix, but it works. It worked wonders for me, and I hope that you will reap similar benefits from this approach.
There is a deep satisfaction to a relationship that consists of two strong individuals, each knowing who they are, and what they want. Neither needs the other, but both want to be together. You can be yourself with your partner, and they are themselves with you. You each pursue your own dreams, you each have your own friends, your own views, and your own opinions. Your life as individuals is rich and fulfilling. And when you come home, you want to see each other and share what’s on your mind. You look into each other’s eyes, deeply in love and excited to spend time together. You know who you are, and who your partner is, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s why marriage is better than the honeymoon.
If you have any questions about my experience, differentiation, or if you feel like sharing your own experience, please feel free to leave a comment. This is your blog, not mine. I would love to hear what you think and answer your questions.
Note (April 22, 2013): Due to the popularity of this article, I put together an e-book to help you fix your relationship. Relationships: How To Fix Them & Keep The Love Alive gives you my best writing on the subject, showing you how to restore love, passion, and commitment in seemingly broken relationships. Download this e-book and start fixing your relationship now.
Here are some addition resources:
- In Quest of the Mythical Mate by Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson
- The Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch.
- 5 Tips for Effective Communication In Relationships
- 8 Relationship Tips For Women From A Man
- 15 Tips To Keep Love Alive
- To Divorce or Not To Divorce
- Cinderella Files For Divorce: Debunking 3 Classical Relationship Myths
- The Science of Love
- A Poem About Differentiation
P.S. In case you haven't heard, we've prepared a free Passion Toolkit for our readers to help bring passion to their relationships and work. Get your free toolkit now!
P.P.S. If you enjoyed this article, please Like it on Facebook and RT on twitter. Thanks for your support!
Maya,
Your story is almost identical to mine. I’m still in the not eating and not sleeping phase. After reading your article I have a glimmer of hope. Something I haven’t had in awhile. My husband and I have two children and I became all about them and lost myself in the process. I can only pray my story ends up like yours.
Thank you for putting this out there for others, such as myself, to benefit from.
Jen
Hi Jen,
Thanks so much for sharing. I am so glad to hear that my story gave you hope. I know what you by “all about the children.” I used to think that this is how it is suppose to be! Then, I finally realized that it is first and foremost about myself – because if I am not at my best, then I can’t give to others, either.
Warm regards, and hope that things go well. Please feel free to comment or email me (maya AT greatlivingnow DOC com) if you’d like to share or ask anything.
- Maya
Hi again, Maya. I messaged you back in April when my marriage problems first started happening. I feel like I’m doing a lot better. The only thing that I can’t sever yet is my financial dependency on my husband. I have been looking for work, but coming from a small town, it had been difficult. On the upside, I feel much more differentiated with my husband. I have been rekindling friendships and creating new ones. I forgot how much fun it could be to hang out with friends! Before, I was so attached to my husband, that all I cared about was him. I rarely gave any time to my friends or having fun. I also no longer expect my husband to solve all my problems. When I’m really upset or have an issue, I try to go to one of my friends instead. I have also been using “self-soothing” techniques.
Even though I personally have made long strides, I feel like my relationship with my husband isn’t going anywhere. I feel more distanced from him than ever and it’s a very uneasy feeling. I’ve only been talking to him about once a week for the past month. He still hasn’t contacted me on his own free will though. I’m always the one who makes the first contact. Do you think I should try talking to him more or wait longer to see if he cares? I really miss the closeness that my husband and I once had. It hurts to think about how he used to not go a day or 2 without contacting me.
My other concern is, that since he is so far away, I really don;t know what he’s doing. What if he has found a new love interest? Should I question him, or leave this alone?
Thank you again!
Hi Nicole,
It’s great to hear that you’ve made so much progress! Reconnecting with friends, practicing self-soothing, and having fun without your partner is so important, and so very helpful to relationships.
If I understand correctly, it hasn’t been very long since you’ve started looking for work. Don’t despair. It can take a little while when you’ve been out of the job market for a while, but with persistence, I believe that you will solve this issue. In my opinion, financial independence is important, and can really help relationships.
Finally, being able to express yourself to your partner is part of differentiation. So, in your situation, I would ask whatever questions are on my mind, and tell my partner how I feel and what I want. Part of healing a relationship is open, honest communication.
I hope this helps.
Warm wishes,
Maya
Hi Maya,
I appreciate your sharing this information because I too am having martial issues. I’ve been married for 21 years with 3 children. Just over 4 months ago my husband dropped the “I love you but not in love you” bomb on me and that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married. As everyone feels, I was devasted and felt like I was dropped kicked over and over. I also discovered he was having an emotional affair. This man worshipped me for 21 years – we were the perfect couple in everyone’s eyes – this couldn’t be happening to me. Well, it was. Needless to say it was very tense in our home and he left. He did agree to see a marriage counselor (but later admitted that he really didn’t plan on coming back) and for the first 4 weeks I had to listen over and over again to, I’m not in love with you, I’m not sure if I want to be married. Almost 8 weeks into our separation he decided he wanted to try and work it out and came home. Obviously, the anxiety didn’t stop there. A week later he started to feel the same way and I was left with uncertainty again.
After a lot of self evaluation, searching the web for information and stories, seeing a therapist on my own, I realized that although I didn’t think it needed to come to separation, maybe this relationship wasn’t as perfect as I thought. Tough thing to admit but you have to be honest with yourself.
I do think I became too dependent on him for my happiness. I always had self-esteem and confidence issues and did constantly look to him for security.
I am trying to change my behaviors and become the independent person I want to be. I can see where being married to a confident independent person is more desirable than one who is needy. My husband’s relationship with this woman was primarily texting and unfortunately I know they texted all day long for at least a month.
As I work on being independent I struggle with the question “is he missing her and the constant communication they had”. I’m trying to find the balance of independence, being a couple and trying to get him to fall in love with me again, and being co-parents of 3 children.
I’m afraid if I go too much one way it will ruin my chances of saving this marriage. Do you think it’s ok to work at all 3 things at the same time. Do I let my husband know that I’m going to be more independent so he won’t give up and leave? Or, do I ride it out and show him on a daily basis that I’m changing. How much contact is too much? Because he texted this woman constantly I feel like I should do the same thing but since I’m his wife will it appear that I’m needy?
I know there is no guarantee but I am so tired of living with this scared feeling everyday, all day. I’m on a roller coaster ride that is really taking a toll on me.
Hi Dana,
Thanks so much for sharing.
First of all, my heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you’re going through…
Second, the priority at this point is on yourself. Do whatever you need to do to feel better. It’s good that you’re seeing a therapist. Every situation and person is a little different, so think what will make it easier for you. For me, I found it helpful to get help with the kids, see my friends more, talk to a counsellor, spend more time on my hobbies, take care of my health, etc. Think of absolutely anything that will help you get through this, and focus on getting what you need.
Third, I really do think that you guys have a good chance. It sounds to me like classical differentiation problems, and sooner or later, what you are going through was bound to happen (as it does to just about every couple). Of course, I don’t know your situation well, but it sounds like your husband was a good, although not perfect, husband. Have faith. There is a good chance you will get through it all.
The emotional affair certainly makes it harder, but is a very common side-effect of marital problems and low differentiation. As long as he stopped communicating with this women, I would try to stop focusing on her. I know this is easier said than done… but here is why: You are the important woman in his life. He worshiped you for 21 years! She was just side-effect of the problems you two were having. The emphasis should be on you and fixing your marriage.
Lastly, differentiation is scary. It means risking it all. I wouldn’t be afraid to be too independent. Most of us are so fused with our partner that a normal level of differentiation feels like we are neglecting everyone else. You need to become strong enough so that your self-esteem and happiness are no longer dependent on your partner, almost at all… Trust me, it is possible. Basically, I needed to get to a point were I didn’t need my husband to feel good about myself and my life, and I could imagine being complete and happy without him, that’s when things got better.
In terms of texting him, I wouldn’t do that too much. He needs space to miss you and come back to you. That being said, feel free to tell him how you feel and what you think about everything. Part of differentiation is being able to speak your mind regardless of what your partner’s reaction might be.
Also, consider looking into some resources on differentiation, I list a few at the bottom of the article. Schnarch book was very helpful and also spoke to my husband. There are also my other relavent free articles. Check out my “5 Reasons To Put Yourself First” article, I think it might help.
Be strong. I wish you all the best. Free free to come back here and share and ask questions. I hope to start an online community of people going through this sometime soon, so we can help each other more.
Warmest regards,
Maya
Hi Maya,
I’ve been in a relationship for two years now and a lot of stuff has been going on. We’ve known eachother since high school and after years of not talking we finally hit it off. My partner had been in previous relationships where his girlfriends had cheated so there for it made him hard to trust me. The first year of our relationship was going well, but i felt like he was trying to close me off from everyone in my life. i barely see my family or friends anymore. He finally is able to trust me basically because i never see anyone and he always knows what im doing everyday. What’s more frustrating is we are always around his very controlling mother. On top of that, the last year, he’s had his ex girlfriend go after him with a paternity test which thank god it wasnt his, and he has this best friend that is a girl and i was told they never had a relationship before but it turns out they did. what bothers me the most is, how hypocritcal he is. he can have a girl best friend who he had a relationship with (which im ok with) but if i had one it would be the end of a relationship. were always with his friends and family. if i try to make plans with my friends or family, he finds an excuse to get us to show up late or not even go at all. one night he told me that he wished i would go out with my own friends. i ended up going to a restaurant with a friend for 3 hours and when i got home he completely interrogated me and made me feel bad for going out and having fun without him. i really love him but recently im starting to feel trapped. i want to differentiate but i feel like there is no way that would work with him.
Hi Casey,
Thanks so much for sharing.
Differentiation is very difficult. A lot of people only find the courage to go through this process when things are very bad – that is, when at least one of the partners no longer feels in love. Because you’re already aware of some issues while you are both very much in love, you are in a much better position than most.
Another thing that we often realize too late is that relationships are not only about taking care of our partner. They are also about taking care of ourselves – Yes, relationships get stronger when we take care of our own needs. When we don’t take care of ourselves, that is, when we give up too much, then we end up resenting out partner, and this is when the real problems start – when we give up too much, we eventually fall out of love.
The solution? We need to find the strength to stand up for ourselves even when it makes our partner uncomfortable. We need to be strong enough to rock the boat – otherwise, it might tip over all by itself.
Being alienated from your family and friends is a serious issue. If I were in your situation, I would do my very best to reconnect with my family and friends, and be clear and firm with my parter about what he can and cannot take away from me.
I’ve actually dealt with jealousy – from both sides. When we met I was on the receiving end, and lost a lot of male friends. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have allowed this to happen. But I wasn’t well differentiated, and it hurt me too much to make my husband uncomfortable.
Then, after our crisis, I went through a period of time when I was jealous. I worked very hard to get through it, and now we both trust each other and allow each other to have friends of both genders. If we could do it, with all of our difficult experiences, so can you.
I hope this helps. I wish you all the best,
Maya
Hi, Maya. im a young husband and my wife of 3 years and I have hit a rather large speed bump. In fact, we had three large fights just today. It resulted in her leaving for a couple days with our 1 month old daughter. I realize I make mistakes, say some things that come out wrong…and I want to fix it. I love my new family more than anything…but my wife and I have “fused”. And differentiating will be very difficult. I’ve bookmarked this page so that we could study up…I suppose becoming individuals again is going to hurt at first…I REALLY hope this works for us….
Hi Ken,
Thanks so much for sharing. A few ideas come to mind. First, 3 years is a very natural point for a marital crisis. Very many couple hit a serious crisis at this point. This is also when David and I run into our problems. Second, the birth of a child is often a difficult time in a marriage. It really challenges differentiation and leads to sleep deprivation, which makes problems more difficult to solve. Since your daughter is only 1 month old, your wife is probably not yet fully recovered from labor, making things even more difficult both physically and emotionally.
All this means is that your problems are completely normal. Many couples have been there, and came up strong the other end.
I would suggest telling your wife how you feel. This is actually part of differentiation. Having the courage to express how you feel, even when you don’t know what the response is going to be. Tell her what you wrote here, if you haven’t already.
Be strong. You will get through it.
Warmest wishes,
Maya
Hi again, Maya. I mentioned before that I was in a temporary long distance relationship with my husband. Do you think this is going to complicate the process or give us extra space? Would it be better for me to work things out with him in person? Also, should I wait for him to message or call me? I’ve been contacting him about every 2 or 3 days now because I’ve been afraid that he wouldn’t contact me if I just left him to it. But this seems more like a dependent action, although I no longer flood him with messages. Sorry for all the questions, I hope it’s not too much of a bother!
Hi Nicole,
I have a pretty good idea what you’re going through. When we realize that differentiation is important, then we try to differentiate. But it’s a process that takes a few months to sink in. I would try to focus on my own life, trying to be stronger and more independent. As you become stronger and differentiated, you will know how often to contact him, and your relationship will hopefully return to a natural flow, where you both contract each other frequently and quite evenly.
In the meantime, it can be a difficult juggling act. By letting him contact you first, you give him space to come to you. This space might allow him to miss you and can help re-establish his emotions. On the other hand, contacting him is a way of affirming your own needs for connection. So it’s really a matter of balance. If I were you, I would probably make an effort to give him some space at least sometimes, and see how it goes. But I wouldn’t go to much in this extreme either.
I hope this helps. Warm wishes,
Maya
Well, thank you so much! I’m very happy for you and I hope I can achieve the same results. I’m so excited for this new start that I find myself sleepless at night, not because of dreadful anxiety, but for the potential relationship that I can have with my husband. I will let you know how things turn out.
There is just something else that t I’m unsure about… 1. Even though he isn’t ready to say “I love you”, should I continue to say it? (Such as when we say our goodbyes or goodnights) These last few days, I’ve continued telling him. I asked him if it was okay, and he said yes, but do you think it would make him feel pressured?
Hi Nicole,
Every relationship is different, and the context can make a big difference. Here are just some of my thoughts.
I can see some pros and cons (I am sure that there are many others). For example, being able to say “I love you” regardless of how the other person feels at the moment can be sign of strength. You are affirming how you feel, and effectively asking for what you want, which can be part of differentiation. On the other hand, looking at it from the perspective of the “push-pull” (or pursuer/pursued) dynamic, it reinforces your role as the pursuer and leaves less room for him to pursue you.
In my situation, I only said “I love you” ones before he was ready to reciprocate. It wasn’t even on purpose, it just sort of slipped. On the other hand, I did make it very clear that I want the relationship to work many times.
I wish you all the very best,
Maya
Hi, my husband recently gave me the “I don’t know if I’m still in love with you” talk. Of course, I’m very distraught but I have found your article very enlightening. I have a moderate general anxiety disorder, so it makes me very needy. I really want to repair my relationship with my husband. The only issue is that he lives in Australia, and I’m currently living in NY, waiting for my permanent visa to be accepted. It might take another 4 – 5 months. The last time I was with my husband was about a month ago. I have visited him 7 times, living 3 months at a time with him. Is there any extra advice you could give for long distance relationships? I am going to work on not being needy. In the past, each day I have been sending my husband lots of messages, trying to get him to talk to me, but now I know it’s only doing harm. I also am financially dependent on him because my frequent travels back and forth have prevented me from getting and maintaining a job. I see now that i need to get a job to encourage my own independence.
Hi Nicole,
My heart goes out to you. I know how hard the “I don’t know if I’m still in love with you” talk is… I am glad that my article gave you some comfort. I was so lost and alone when this happen to me, it was terrible. I remember that when I first read that this is a common experience and that there are solutions, I felt so much better.
From what I read in your comment, it sounds to me that you are coming to healthy conclusions. I would try to refocus on myself, and built some level of independence, both emotionally and financially.
Your story reminded me of another important lesson I learned. The very first time that my husband and I went to therapy, the therapist told us about the “push-pull” dynamic in relationships. Basically, very often, one of the partners is chasing, and the other is being chased. In a healthy relationships, these roles flip regularly. But when one of us is being chased for too long, it makes the one being chased want to run away… It’s a sad reality, but it’s also useful knowledge. When we realize that we’ve been doing the chasing for too long, then it is time to take a step back. This gives our partner a chance to miss us, and lets them do some of the pursuing.
I really hope that my article and this idea will help you. I am not a therapist, I am just a person who has been there and found a way out. So everything I suggest is just what I would do. There are also resources listed at the end of this article that made a really big difference for me, in particular Schnarch’s book. Meeting with a good therapist can also be helpful.
I wish you all the very best,
- Maya
I really appreciate all your advice. What better place to get it from, than someone who has experienced a similar situation? I told my husband about your articles and he agreed to try to fix things with me. I’m still scared that he won’t love me again. He says he still cares about me and always will though. I’m taking this opportunity to better myself as a person. My anxiety and obsessive issues first developed with a previous boyfriend. He didn’t treat me very well and was promiscuous. I guess I mistakenly carried those feelings on to my husband. My husband is a wonderful man, I couldn’t ask for anyone better. I apologized to him for my actions and told him that he didn’t deserve to be treated like that. Can I ask how long it took before you felt your relationship was repaired?
Hi Nicole,
I am so happy to hear that your husband wants to fix things! This is great! Even therapists agree that the most important thing to fixing a relationship is the desire to do so.
I completely understand your fear about his feelings…. This is exactly how I felt. Our society teaches us that love is just something abstract that we have no control over. But it is a lot more predictable than we are taught. Emotional fusion (opposite of differentiation) destroys feelings of passion, and the process of differentiation often restores those feelings.
When my husband and I had trouble, I spent a lot of time analyzing how I may have caused it and looking at what I may have done wrong. Then I found it was more effective to rebuild myself- focus on what I need, focus on what I want, and make myself stronger and more independent emotionally. This is what ultimately made the biggest difference.
To answer your question, I remember that day very clearly. It was about four month into our marital problems, I was standing in the kitchen talking with my husband, the night before I was flying out for an interview. “Do I tell them I am married or single?” I asked. “Of course you are married,” he answered. “But I don’t want to tell them I am married and then show up single,” I replied. He hesitated and went on to tell me that he isn’t ready to decide. Then, the phone rang. I picked it up, and it was my mother. So I went upstairs to pack my bags while I spoke with her. I didn’t talk with my husband for the rest of the evening because I was busy packing and getting ready for my interview (I was a lot more differentiated by this point then when our problems just started).
Then, around midnight when I was coming back to my bedroom, he was sitting there waiting for me. “I want to tell you something,” he said. “Ok.” I responded, holding my breath.
“I love you and I want to be with you,” he said. I could hardly believe my ears.
So it took only four months. But, in reality, the recovery took a lot longer – over a year. I was very sensitive and insecure for another 8 months or so. Then, gradually, I started to notice that I once again trust his feelings for me. Now I feel as secure in the relationship as I did during the “honeymoon phase.”
Love can return. It really can. Have faith. Relationship trouble is an opportunity for personal growth and development (who would have thought?) In the end, we can come out of it stronger than before.
Let me know if you have other questions!
Warmest wishes,
Maya
But what happens when your wife is chronically ill? Her disease causes vicious mood swings. I know shes not happy,. neither of us are. There is NO differentiaion. We have both been unhappy for a while. She doesn’t think I’m reliable. We fight constantly. What should we do?
Hi Rob,
I can see how a chronic illness would make things harder… Having no differentiation, and a situation that makes it harder to differentiate, can be very hard to deal with.
I’m not a therapist myself, I’m only a person who’s been through marital disaster, and found a way out. Did you guys try therapy? A good therapist can make a big difference. I really like the writing of Schnarch (his books really helped me), and there are therapists that practice his method.
From what I read, people manage to restore a healthy relationship even in the most difficult of situations. Explore the available recourses (be it the ones here, if they speak to you, or something else), and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
My husband and I were inches from divorce. At one point, I completely lost hope. But now we are so very happy. There is no more fighting and screaming. Relationships can be fixed. There is much hope.
I wish you all the very best,
Maya
What if you differentiate, but then realize that you actually don’t want to be with your partner anymore? Does differentiation always lead to re-ignition of the love for the other person?
Hi Monica,
That’s a really good question. When we are emotionally fused (as in, not differentiated), we often feel that we have to be with our partner, and our partner has to be with us. This might feel safe, but it eventually becomes suffocating, and ultimately destroys passion and ultimately the relationship itself. Differentiation allows us to want to be together, by realizing (and internalizing the idea) that we don’t have to.
When you go through the process of differentiation and rediscover who you are and start caring about your own needs more, it is natural to question if you want to be with your partner and it may take more than one day to answer this question. Many people come out of this process with renewed, powerful emotions for one other.
It isn’t possible to maintain real love and passion without differentiation. So the choice becomes between having a fake, love-less relationship or taking a chance at having a real relationships. Either way there are no guarantees.
This was a really great question! Please feel free to ask if you have any more questions.
Maya
Thank you so much for this! I’ve been depressed for about a year now with my partner as compared to the start when we were head over heels in love, I couldn’t understand when those feelings had suddenly gone too. I woke up one morning and realized that stuff he started to do and say annoyed me where the shouldn’t. Even when he jokes and laughs. As a result I’ve become very manipulative and pushy, I start arguments and say such terrible things in hope he’ll snap back and show me he doesn’t need me, but it always ends in him begging me not to go. After reading this it makes so much sense now. I will try to find my individuality and he should to. I feel I’ve always known I was losing myself, but to see someone else succeed where I am now is honestly amazing and gives me hope. Please if there is anymore advice you can give to me on this journey please do.
Hi,
Thanks so much for sharing. Indeed, it is hard to stay excited and interested in our partner when they seem to need us too much. It makes us feel trapped, instead of grateful to be together.
The good news is that when one person in a couple starts differentiating, the other one soon follows. So your search for individuality should trigger your partner’s differentiation.
I am so happy to hear that my article gave you hope. I remember what it was like when I was losing hope in my relationship, it was terrible. Then, when the hope came back, so did the solution.
If you are looking for reading material, Schnarch’s “The Passionate Marriage” is worth checking out, and there is also my collection of articles (http://www.greatlivingnow.com/books/#relationships). I am also currently working on a book with a marriage therapist specifically about how to fix relationships. If you have any suggestions on what I should include in the book, please email me (maya[AT]greatlivingnow[DOT]com).
And lastly, remember, that although relationship conflict is incredibly difficult, ultimately, it leads to an extraordinary amount of self-growth, and real love and connection can be restored.
Warmest regards,
Maya
What if you’re in a long distance relationship?
Hi Sophia,
This is an excellent question, thanks for bringing it up! The answer depends on the specific relationship. A couple in a long-distance relationship can still be emotionally fused, in which case they would benefit from differentiation.
I think the reason that the relationship is long distance is important. Is it temporary? Do both partners want it to be this way? It’s important to be clear about what you want and ask for it.
Since I don’t have a lot of personal experience with this type of relationship, if anyone has advice on long-distance relationships, please share with us!
I wish you all the best,
Maya
Thank you for sharing such a persona part of your life with us. As I just entered my second year of marriage (7th year of a relationship) things are still great. I find that we are fusing together in our {new} beliefs. I say new because we are growing from the people we were and learning and believing new things together. While I don’t feel that I am losing my individuality, your post does make me aware that this is something that could slowly creep up on me before I know it. I look forward to discussing this with my wife tonight! Thanks! :-)
Hi Brian,
The process of fusing is, to some degree, inevitable. It corresponds to what is called a “comfort cycle.” Some level of it is even healthy, it helps establish a sense of togetherness. As you pointed out, it’s about how much individuality is still preserved. These things are very difficult to evaluate directly. However, they are reflected in the quality of the relationship. If the relationship feels fresh and exciting, then the balance between togetherness and individuality is working.
Thanks so much for sharing!
I really liked your post, Maya.
All the more as I face the challenges you describe. Daily!
I came up with the very same solutions you share in your article. Looks like they work.
You mentioned things I was not aware of, though. I’ll definitely be more mindful.
Thanks :)
Thanks Gael! It’s great to hear that the same solutions were effective for you.